Comments on: Want to Avoid Online Nightmares? Don’t Piss People Off

By: B.L. Ochman

B.L. Ochman — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 18:49:12 +0000

Jenni: Thanks for the nice words.
The CEO has to respond – himself, not through an underling or PR person.

By: Jenni

Jenni — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 13:17:01 +0000

Awesome post. I am sharing it with my inside sales manager who might just get the hint. I love the idea of letter to the CEO on the web site.

By: mark chapman

mark chapman — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 15:36:31 +0000

Here’s a great complaint letter. We must have all been here at some point – use it as a template letter going forward
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year…have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words…. A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept….)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website….HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived… six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server’s downtime is roughly 35%… hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman…and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don’t
care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration’s
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom – wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver – any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day – may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John

By: Lewis Green

Lewis Green — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 13:03:25 +0000

Thanks but I’d be a lousy king. I’m barely able to keep myself together. On the other hand, I could get used to big parties where others clean up after me and my friends.

By: B.L. Ochman

B.L. Ochman — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 21:33:05 +0000

maybe we should start a movement to make Lewis king. :>)

By: David Reich

David Reich — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:08:11 +0000

Good post,B.L. It baffles me that so many companies don’t get it. You would think it would just be common sense. By not responding to complaints in a timely manner — or worse yet, not repsonding at all — companies miss out on a golden opportunity to convert a complaining customer into a staunch and often vocal supporter.
Too bad Lewis isn’t king. We’d all be happy customers.

By: B.L. Ochman

B.L. Ochman — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 17:02:58 +0000

It seems so simple that customer service people should be among the most highly paid in any company. But I have never come across any company where that is true.
As for Rent-a-Kvetch, it was a pre-Internet hobby. I loved it, but the Internet seduced me in 1995 and I do my kvetching online now. :>)

By: Elaine Fogel

Elaine Fogel — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 16:22:02 +0000

I’ve had similar experiences, BL. I had to take matters to the top in order to get anywhere. If only the companies had figured out that it’s easier to keep people brand loyal by fixing things at the first touchpoint.
By the way, what happened to Rent-a-Kvetch? Love the idea. I know a few people who kvetch well enough to be professionals at it!

By: Maureen Rogers

Maureen Rogers — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 15:01:14 +0000

BL – I’ll second Lewis here: great post. Companies would be well served by adding a “letters to the CEO” feature on their sites – not just a “contact customer service” link. Even if Mr. or Ms. Big just saw a filtered version, it would be useful for them to have the feedback – and customers would be able to easily do their initial venting before going public. The company would, of course, have to make sure to take things seriously and follow-up. But as you say, people just want to be heard.

By: Lewis Green

Lewis Green — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 13:13:20 +0000

Great post BL. If I were king, every customer complaint or concern expressed would be answered within 12 hours by e-mail and/or a telephone call, and once the complaint was cleared, the customer would receive another phone call asking if he/she is happy with the fix and has any other questions or concerns.
If we can pay CEOs on average 400 times more than the least paid worker, we can afford to add staff to customer service centers.