Recently I found myself in a contemplative mood. Not unsual, as I try to think within myself daily. However, what brings me to this writing is that my friend David Armano finds himself in a similar place. In We Are Fragile, David writes: “But today I was reminded about what really matters–and I’m writing this down for my sake more so than yours….”
David and I exhanged a few e-mails offline, and all the time I kept think that if we don’t stop doing sometimes and start thinking, we may be speeding down a deadend road, going nowhere fast. And that can’t be good for our business, our customers, our families, our friends or our planet.
Most of us live our lives outside ourselves, with work, business, family and external factors managing us. Some of that is necessary to be responsible, caring and committed people. However, if those external factors lead us around without pushback from us, we may find ourselves living lives of regret.
Here’s a personal story I’ll share: My dad died young from cancer, two years after he retired. That event and watching him work two jobs, coach two baseball teams and serve as a volunteer fireman meant that the only time I had with him was when I played ball and was just one of the players or hung out with him at the firehouse and was just one of the guys.
Maybe he was fine with that. I have no way of knowing. But I wasn’t okay with always coming in second or third to his activities and I vowed not to live my life managed by the external world. So I began a life of contemplation. What does that mean?
Everyday I take time out from work and life to sit quietly and evaluate my day and my life. The goal is to prioritize what really matters, as David says. In doing so, my wife (who does the same) and I realized early on that to live our lives from within meant sacrifices such as:
* going without children, a huge sacrifice for me, as I love kids,
* never being able to retire because there is no company pension plan in our future,
* putting off material things until we had the money to pay for them,
* and other such dreams that many of us have.
In exchange, we chose work we love and worked for corporations just long enough to build savings, to travel, to buy homes and cars, and to meet our needs. For the past many years, we have worked for ourselves and created a simple lifestyle that we enjoy, which includes spending time with our families and friends and making new friends. People are important to us.
I share all this because life and work are about compromises, no matter our choices. But if we don’t ask ourselves regularly what matters, are we going to live the life we want and be the best that we can be at what we do?
So if you haven’t spent time thinking about priorities, maybe it’s time. Here are the factors I include when i contemplate my future, which I plan on doing until the heavens call me home:
* What do personal, professional and business success look like?
* How do I serve my co-workers and customers the way they deserve to be served?
* How do I serve my nation, the world and the people living in it?
* What are my responsibilities and obligations and how do I meet them?
* How do I become the change I wish to see in the world?
* How important are the things money can buy?
* What are my most important wants, needs and desires and how do I meet them?
* How much do I care what others think?
* What is my tolerance for risk?
* How do I measure happiness?
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Lewis,
Your message touches. It touches me and will certainly touch others as well. Just like David’s post it helps us reconsider and re-order the essential elements in our lives. Not to mention, I am in the exact same mood right now.
The “factors” you share here are reflecting your will to “do good”, not only for yourself, but also for others, and even for our planet. I wish many more could ask themselves these simple but O-so-wise questions. Because asking the right question, is a part of the answer.
lewis, i do often think that this is an approach linked to the european way of life more than the american one. and i’m touched to read your post and david’s too. i believe that no matter how can be successful in business a man can be, if he is not able to think about himself and not able to stay with himself a while, he is not a worth man.
Lewis,
I think this is one of my favorite posts that you’ve writen for the Fix (and it’s not because you link to me)
Truth is I’ve hit a wall. Career, blog, life–it’s all too much. I need to make some changes. I like your question about how we define happiness. That cuts to the heart of the matter and I’ll be thinking about that question for the next few days at least.
Thanks for sharing so much of your life experience. Your story about your father is very compelling.
Luc, Gianandrea and David,
Thank you. Each of you is an inspiration to me, and David, you inspired the post and know that my thoughts are with you as you traverse this rocky slope.
So often we think first about learning how to do our jobs better and later or never about how our minds and hearts affect our job performance and the ways we treat customers, bosses, peers, friends and family.
I think we have it backwards. We first must have our internal selves in order, before we can serve others.
I love your post and David’s too.
I have to say that you would have made a great father and it is probably not too late to adopt or foster a child. It may put a whole lot more meaning into your already very meaningful life.
I don’t know you and perhaps that’s overstepping a boundary. I just know that I have similar life assessment moments all the time and one of the most amazing things I am doing is raising my child.
We get tripped up, tangled up, out-of-control, and squished. I try to live everyday as best I can. I live in the desert and I see unbelievable beauty everyday. I treat others as I expect to be treated.
Thank you for your honesty and thanks to David too. We are fragile.
As in Nedra’s post today about social marketing “The world definitely needs more social marketers – offer your services to a nonprofit and put your expertise toward making change for good!”
I think your post is putting your expertise toward making change for the good of us all. You inspire contemplation and encourage the kind of introspection we all need to survive this journey. Jane! Stop this crazy thing!”
Lewis, this is an excellent post, and one I plan to bookmark and come back to.
As you know, I have had a fairly substantial shake-up recently that has made me really look deep inside. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a massive external event to force us to reassess our priorities and ACTUALLY make changes in our lives. And even then, change is hard … we are naturally attracted to the rhythms of stress and life.
For me, one of the attractions of blogging is that I can determine (to some extent), the nature and frequency of my engagement. And to my surprise and absolute delight, I have the honour of finding myself amongst a smart, contemplative and inspiring group of people both here and on our own blogs.
One of the strange truths about writing is that we often reveal more of ourselves because it necessitates contemplation. Even moreso when we consciously seek to explore our modes of contemplation as you have done here. Thanks for bravely venturing into this personal space – it is not just touching and personal, but connects with many of us who in a fit of BSP are considering some of the same issues. In that way you are giving voice to the private thoughts of many … and giving us some steps to move forward.
It is going to be an intersting year, indeed.
Lewis,
As I said to David on his “fragile” post, what I find a little frightening is that we all have these watershed moments — the loss of a parent, the surprising death of a friend our own age, an accident or illness…and for a few days or maybe even weeks, we vow to change. And we are changed.
But the changes, for the vast majority of people, are temporary. We go right back to our chaotic lives and I suppose blindly decide it just won’t happen to us.
I’m not pointing fingers, I am as guilty as everyone else. So what will it take for us to take our own advice?
Drew
Lewis — This truly is a wonderful post. I would have commented prior to now but…guess what? I’ve wanted to but haven’t had the time to put a coherent thought together. I love, after your list of “priorities”: “How do we measure happiness?” Not performance…but something altogether more meaningful.
Personally, it’s all about balance (again, for me). Work, home, kids, friends, dogs…and plenty of time for me, because my soul requires it.
And Gavin — great comments, “For me, one of the attractions of blogging is that I can determine (to some extent), the nature and frequency of my engagement.”
And, “One of the strange truths about writing is that we often reveal more of ourselves because it necessitates contemplation.”
That’s what I meant by the “plenty of time for me,” above… creating the space in which I can engage — via writing, blogging, or just thinking about doing the above, which sometimes is enough.
Ann, Gavin and Tammy:
I began the contemplative process shortly after exiting military service, and have been a practitioner ever since. Perhaps it’s because I am a child of the ’60s and rejected money as a motivator as early as the ’50s, that change has come easier for me than most.
Drew,
Perhaps you are right. But I think if we make self-contemplation a practice instead of something we do only after a crisis, change becomes normal and permanent, when that change meets our priorities for living.
Lewis,
Thank you for another thought-provoking post. This is a reminder that regardless how crazy life is these days, we need to stop and get ourselves back to center. Meditation is a great way to do that. We then get back to the basics and remember the people and things that are truly important. We may forget easily, being human, but with repeated meditation, we can gently coax ourselves back to center. Thanks for the gentle reminder. We appreciate you.
Claire,
I am blushing. Thank you.
Lewis,
“But I think if we make self-contemplation a practice instead of something we do only after a crisis, change becomes normal and permanent, when that change meets our priorities for living.”
You know what — you are probably very right. We only stop to recognize that we’re spinning too fast when something forces us to. The trick is to do as you suggest, and find a way to build that “quiet time” into the pattern of our life.
Thanks for the very thought-provoking reminder.
Drew