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My Aunt Mary died a week ago and will be buried tomorrow. Today, New Years Day, seems a particularly appropriate time to honor her, and remember the lessons of her long life....
 In addition to being an aunt, Mary was also a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a grandmother, a friend, and, unusual for a woman of her generation, a business owner. Like many of us, she wore many hats, and she was a lot of things to a great many people. But in the end, it’s not what she was, so much as how she did it, that defines the phrase, “There’s something about Mary.”
Mary Handley was born 93 years ago, on January 4, 1914 in Lowell, the fourth largest city in Massachusetts. She was the second oldest daughter born to William and Ann Handley in a family that would grow to include 4 girls and 3 boys, including my father, William.
Lowell, as my own 4th grader knows, is considered to be the birthplace of the American Industrial Revolution. At the time of Mary’s birth, its multi-family homes and rooming houses were full of farmland immigrants from Canada, and also from Northern England, Ireland, Poland, Greece.
They all came to Lowell to work in the textile mills and their related industries, and some stayed. The city’s ethnic diversity gave it a unique cultural identity. But on the flip side -- in a sense, everyone in Lowell was an outsider.
Mary was born into this, just prior to the start of World War 1. The girls who came to work in the Lowell mills hadn’t yet earned the right to vote. Mary was 5 years old when women over the age of 30 were allowed to vote. She was 15 when women over the age of 21 earned the same.
She lived in extraordinary times, which made the events in the life she created even more amazing, when you view them against that backdrop.
But history never looks like history when you are living through it, as the saying goes. And so did Mary grew up, went to school, graduated, got a job, and brought the money home to her parent’s house.
Eventually, she married Edward Dutile, moved to her home in North Billerica, and become a mother to two children – my cousins Christopher and Beth Ann. She continued to work, at a trucking company in Billerica called Wolfe’s Express.
And somewhere in there, Mary’s ordinary life became extraordinary.
I don’t know all the details about how things happened, or when, or in what order, and why, exactly, the Aunt Mary I came to know as a child stands out as such an icon in my mind. With a child’s limited capacity to absorb (or maybe be let in on) the mysteries of the adult world, I only knew that somewhere along the way, Wolfe’s Express became Aunt Mary’s company. As I heard it, she had a thriving business, with a fleet of trucks and their drivers reporting to her. She put her heart and soul into her business, and for a long time, she succeeded.
And there’s the source of most of my awe of her. Not because she simply had a company, although in our family that was something in itself unusual. But because Mary was the first woman I ever knew who had, what decades later would be called “it all.” She wasn’t the only woman I knew who worked, but she was the only one who seemed to put her heart and soul into it. She was the first woman I knew who cut her own path.
Mary had it all -- a career, a family, a community. She had a true love of the magic and joy of Christmas. She had a love of her high school alma mater, Notre Dame, along with a love of reading and of solving crossword puzzles.
Mary had less easily measurable things, too: a sense of humor, a love of fun, the capacity to laugh at herself, a dog, a killer wardrobe, and the highest heels I ever saw on anyone.
And sometimes, Mary was a study in contrasts.
She was the boss in a man’s world at the trucking company, but she went to work each day in pastel suits and matching heels.
She was no-nonsense and a straight-shooter. She could -- and did -- go toe-to-toe with lawyers or town officials. Yet she was sentimental and, deep down, a softie. She saved every scrap of paper that crossed her doorstep. Incredibly, she had newspaper clippings announcing the graduation of every high school student she knew -- or knew of -- obituaries of every friend or family member she lost, and every card, letter, postcard, invitation, newsletter or announcement she received.
And she never would admit to feeling down, even when she was. She never complained, even when she was in pain. “How are you, Mary?” the doctor asked her this past Tuesday. “Oh, fine,” she said
What Mary accomplished in her life was extraordinary, especially for a woman of her generation. But I don’t think that’s the only lesson of her life.
The truth is, before today I never thought much about what sort of model Mary offered for her children -- or for me and my cousins, growing up. The truth is, I bet Mary never thought much about what sort of role model she offered, either, because, like many people of her generation, she had neither the time nor inclination to examine it. She just did what she did.
But as I look at it now, I see that “something” about Mary as something of a challenge: to be an individual. And to be comfortable with being yourself. To not measure yourself against the expectations of your culture, or sex, or society, but to live your life in a way that honors who you are and where you are from, but still by being true to yourself.
This is something special about Mary. It leaves all of us with a reason to miss her. But at the same time, it gives us an even bigger reason to remember her.
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Comments
A great tribute to a remarkable woman. Thanks for sharing her life with your readers.
Posted by: Connie | 01.01.07
Ann,
Sorry about this. It is a very sad thing.
"And somewhere in there, Mary’s ordinary life became extraordinary." - The way you describe Mary is so touching! Your story, "her story" is filled with positive energy. That's something (extraordinary) that will always be with you. Thank you for sharing. A lot to learn for us all, really.
Warmest Regards.
Luc.
Posted by: mindblob | 01.01.07
Ann,
Thank you for sharing this wonderful tribute to a remarkable woman. My prayers and blessings of peace are with you.
Lewis
Posted by: Lewis Green | 01.01.07
Ann,
I'm sorry for your family's loss. It sounds like you all have many memories and stories that will both honor her and sooth all of you.
Your aunt's life lesson (although as you say, she probably never intended to leave it as such)is the perfect New Year's resolution. Let this be the year when we all stop trying to measure and match up to something or someone else and just be a better "me."
Thanks for sharing one of your family gems with all of us.
Drew
Posted by: Drew McLellan | 01.01.07
"to be an individual. And to be comfortable with being yourself."
Great lesson. Live by your own standards, and not those of society.
Thanks for the important reminder Ann, and thanks to your aunt for providing the living example of the lesson!
Posted by: Mack Collier | 01.01.07
Ann: a moving post, I love Mary's journeys, challenges and successes. I often wonder if today's women really understand what strife our sisters have gone through for us. I guess we can't really know but honor it we must. Reminders are helpful.
And I know Lowell, Ma. very well and the rich history behind it having spent part of my youth in Andover, Ma.
Thanks for sharing Mary's life and lessons with us. Our thoughts are with you, you must know that ;-).
Posted by: CK | 01.01.07
My condolences, Ann. You were blessed to have such a powerful and positive role model in your Aunt Mary.
Posted by: Elaine Fogel | 01.01.07
Sorry to hear of your loss, Ann, but thank you for sharing your memories of her.
Your story made me think of my grandfather, who lived in Lowell for a few years after he came here from Russia as a teenager in the very early 1900's. I'm told he worked at a mill and a hat factory in Lowell, before moving back to NY where he met my grandmother -- another Russian immigrant.
Nowadays, I drive through Lowell several times a year going from New York to Maine, where my daughter lives. And as I pass the old mills that are now converted into shopping malls, health clubs and who-knows what else, I sometimes wonder if one of those buildings is where he spent his days working.
It's good to have memories of people we love, and it's nice to share them with others. We all benefit.
Posted by: David Reich | 01.01.07
what a beautiful post for the first day of the year. and again to remember such an outstanding person is a great lesson for everybody.
god bless she and her memory.
Posted by: gianandrea facchini | 01.01.07
Ann,
I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss. Thank you for sharing the story of this amazing woman. May her memory be a blessing to inspire you throughout life.
Posted by: Nedra Weinreich | 01.01.07
Thanks so much for your heartfelt comments, all. Much appreciated.
Mary was an amazing woman who will continue to inspire me and a whole generation behind me -- my daughter and son, her granddaughters and grandsons, and so on... What else might a person want out of life, other than to inspire others?
Not that she ever thought of that, which I guess is the beauty of it.
: )
Thanks, again.
Posted by: Ann Handley | 01.02.07
a wonderful tribute, Ann. It's that type of quiet inspiration that always has the most powerful resonance. Thanks for sharing her story with us.
Posted by: Jaynie | 01.02.07
Thank you Ann for sharing your Aunt Mary with us.
I'm sorry for your family's loss, but so happy to hear what a positive and loving model you had in your aunt.
Hard to even imagine the changes in a life of 93 years.
My grandmother was a garment union organizer back in the 20s. And as you said, she just saw it as doing what needed to be done. No big deal.
But it's been a big deal to me all my life and always will be. They were cut from pretty strong cloth!
Thanks!
BL
Posted by: B.L. Ochman | 01.02.07
Ann
Thanks for sharing your story of Aunt Mary. She was indeed a remarkable woman and a wonderful role model for being an individual and for showing up in the world as your authentic self!
And that is a worthy goal for all of us to pursue.
When I lose someone special to me I reflect on the qualities that person exhibited, that made them special in my mind and then I take on one of those qualities to call by own.
When my friend Mary passed almost three years ago I gave my self permission to take on some of her "outspoken" and "in your face" tendencies. And while I don't rival her ability to speak her mind, I will say it moved me out of my comfort zone enough to speak my mind a little more forcefully, and just a little louder. Perhaps not loud enough yet, but moving in the right direction.
On another note, I loved your article on blogging today (tried to leave a comment but it failed) and just wanted to let you know it was just what I needed!
Many blessings to you in this new year,
JoAnna
Posted by: JoAnna Brandi | 01.02.07
As Ann's oldest sister, I have a bit of an answer as to how Aunt Mary ended up with Wolfe's Trucking Company. When I was a child, Mary was the secretary at Wolfe's. The company was owned by Louie Marmar. His son is Mike Marmar, famous for writing the old "Get Smart" TV show. When Louie got older, he moved out to Calif., to live with his son. Mary was the secretary, and as I was told, he just left the company to her. She was a wonderful person, with the best sense of humor, and a kind heart. She will be missed. Pat
Posted by: Pat Higingbotham | 01.02.07
What a beautiful tribute, Ann.
Mary will most certainly live on in you, your children, and now that you've shared her, with all of us, too.
God bless.
Posted by: Jean Ann Guliano | 01.02.07
Thanks so much, Jaynie, BL and Jean.... you nailed it, BL. And a special thanks to my sister Pat, who I think just posted her first blog comment....EVER! Nice, sis!
And thanks, JoAnna...I did see your comment on my MarketingProfs article. Appreciate it, and so glad you found it useful.
Posted by: Ann Handley | 01.02.07
Ann: Sincerest condolences from Montreal. Your tribute was quite moving.
Posted by: Mark Goren | 01.02.07
Sounds like a lot of you came from Aunt Mary's side of the family, Ann. Thanks for sharing, and slowing the world down a bit to reflect on family and the amazing things that get learned and handed down through generations.
Posted by: Andrea Learned | 01.04.07
Ann:
The bottom line is... all that we take out of this world, is our good name. Your Aunt Mary certainly was the best example of this as her legacy is worth more than gold.
Auggie
Posted by: Jon Foster | 01.04.07
Ann --
Sorry to read about your loss. Your aunt was a trailblazer and all of us, and our daughters, should be grateful for her example. Wishing you and your family the best. marcia
Posted by: marcia sutter | 01.06.07