Last night I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time as I flew into Santa Barbara for MarketingProfs' Finders Keepers two-day intensive marketing workshop....

An hour after landing, I was drinking wine with workshop participants before resting up for the seminars ahead. I took the opportunity to ask if there were any special copy-related topics they wanted me to cover.

"Yeah," said one marketer. "How do I know when my copy sucks?"

Here's a start: Consider a sign I saw at a fast-food counter at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport yesterday: "We're sorry. This concept is currently unavailable. Please consider one of our other available concepts."

"Concept"? I was looking for a pulled-pork sandwich, not a philosophical abstraction.

So -- Copy Sucks Detector Number 1: Ridiculous, pretentious language that has absolutely no meaning for your customers. If you mean "restaurant," say "restaurant."

Other signs of the vampire's bite?

* Lots of superlatives such as "excellence," "cutting-edge" and "innovative."
* Lack of a clear "what's in it for the customer" message.
* Shortage of tangible, meaty specifics.
* Presence of self-congratulatory chest beating, i.e., "We're the world leader in . . . "
* Reliance on jargon and business babble.
* "Me too" positioning that's similar to your competitors' messaging.

The list could go on and on. Feel free to hang the garlic and add your own bites.